Remembering Atennagate: 5 solutions to an Apple iPhone problem that never existed (or so Steve says)

Remember last summer, when the iPhone 4 launched, and it looked awesome? And then you got it, and it felt awesome? And then you held it in your hand, and suddenly you had no reception, and suddenly, it wasn't really that awesome anymore?

I'm an iPhone 4 user and I still chuckle to myself when I watch my bars drop by one to three depending on my grip—and watching them quickly restore to full when I let go. Apple CEO Steve Jobs never really did solve this problem (he offered free cases to some) because he never really admitted it was a problem.

Here, I remember some of the classic Apple parodies for solutions to the iPhone 4's "antennagate."

1. The retro-chic antenna.

If you don't want ugly bumpers enveloping the sleek aluminum surround of your iPhone, the retro-chic antenna may be exactly what you need.

I'd like to see a hand grip that blocks this baby's reception. Just watch how you shove it in your pocket.

2. When Apple makes a boo-boo, apply a band-aid.

Or, in this case, an "antenn-aid." (Did you catch the "case" pun too?)

But, unlike a hardware revamp, this is merely a band-aid fix.

Steve Jobs must have thought the old saying was, "If it's broke, why fix it?" 

(This one is actually real, and was purchasable on Etsy.)

3. Perfect grip standard with iHand.

Are your fat fingers fudging up reception? Do you hold your hand like an awkward buffoon and consequently cut off important calls? Rely on this wooden beauty, specifically designed to grip your mobile device in the perfect way!

4. Another retro-styled solution.

Remember when these were popular?

Landline receivers are now trendy add-ons to sleek, slender smartphones!

We know you dumped your landline when you picked up a smartphone with so many minutes of talk, but let's face it—we drown in nostalgia over old technology that we grew up with. Wouldn't it be nice to go back to simpler times?

Now you can.

5. It's not the phone, it's you.

If you like your iPhone just the way it is, but still don't want reception issues, you're running out of options. But there is still one path you can take...

Also known as the "Steve Jobs Way." The first step is admitting that Apple isn't wrong—you are.

The second step is very painful surgery performed by an untrained back-alley surgeon.

The third step is to make that perfect-reception phone call!

(Here's hoping the iPhone 5 gets things right. Erm, I mean we get things right, and Apple does whatever it wants.)